A New Beginning? or Not?

I had a horrible time last night with stomach pains and indigestion. I was up several times to race to the bathroom and felt horrible. Then the phone rang just after 8:00 a.m. waking me up on this my much anticipated day off. It was my doctor's office calling to tell me the results of the home sleep test I took last week. The doctor wants to put me on oxygen, but has one more test for me to take first. He's hoping that the results of that test will qualify me for a C-PAP machine. This news was not the way I wanted to begin my week or my day.

The bad news continued as I weighed myself. I was disgusted to see that I was within 4 pounds of hitting 300 pounds, yet again. "I CANNOT let this happen!" my brain was screaming.

Then I took my blood sugar reading and it was higher than I like it to be. My reading 2 hours after breakfast was also not good, just down a few points from the fasting number.

All of these things added up to one important decision. I HAVE to begin taking care of myself. I joined Bob Greene's Diabetes Best Life Plan about a month ago, and today seemed like the perfect day to take it seriously.

I had a healthy breakfast, planned out my menu for the week, made a grocery list, did some things around the house, and got ready for my lunch date with a dear friend of mine. We decided to meet at Sizzler as we both could make some healthy choices there. I did well and enjoyed my lunch, but I left the restaurant feeling hungry. "How could that be?" I thought.

My next stop was Barnes and Noble. I love that store! I bought a couple of books then headed out to Wal-mart. I was getting hungrier by the minute. I said to myself, "You can't be hungry, you just had lunch." But,none-the-less, I was having hunger pangs. I soon found myself in the drive-thru lane at Dairy Queen. I ordered a large cone and ate it as I continued driving toward Wal-mart. Thankfully, the cone did fill me up, and I wasn't hungry anymore.

I did okay at Wal-mart buying the healthy foods I had on my list. I made one poor choice when I saw the Pillsbury cookie dough was on sale. I bought two packages. When I got home, I put up the groceries and sat down at the computer to check e-mail and watch an episode of General Hospital. I just had to break into the cookie dough, then added some salsa and tortilla chips to my snack. Later, I took a two hour nap. This was not how I had planned to spend my afternoon.

By the time my husband had gotten home from work, my healthy dinner plans were out the window. I had him go out and pick-up a hamburger and fries from Wendy's. I sat in front of the TV eating my unhealthy dinner at 8:00 at night. Then I added some more cookie dough to my stomach.

Why does taking care of myself have to be so hard. I had every good intention when I got up this morning, but I ended up making some pretty poor choices by day's end. I'm now sitting here feeling sick, both physically and mentally.

Well, tomorrow is another day and another beginning.

Am I Ready!

I am reading Bob Harper's book, Are You Ready! Bob is one of the trainers on my favorite TV show, The Biggest Loser. At the end of the first chapter of his book, he asks ten questions to inspire you to examine your own situation. He asks you to answer the questions openly and honestly. He also says to write down your thoughts. So, I decided to answer the questions here on my blog.

#1 - Is there any event that has happened in your life that makes you think you are ready to take charge and change your life? Yes, my health suffers when I am at my higher weights. I'm at that level again where I don't feel good pretty much every day, and I struggle to do the easiest things like walking up a flight of stairs.

#2 - What are your fears, if any, about making such a big commitment to change? My biggest fear is failure. I have lost a lot of weight on three separate occasions before, just to regain it all.

#3 - Are you ready to stop blaming others for your problems? I am ready, but it will be difficult for me because I let those around me affect what I am doing. This has been a source of contention with my husband as I have blamed him for my most recent weight gain. He always tells me that he didn't stick the food in my mouth and make me eat it, which is true. But, there is also truth in that you don't bring alcohol into the home of an alcoholic, so why would you bring goodies into the home of a foodaholic? I am sure, though, he will be thrilled if I stop blaming him.

#4 - Are you ready to take responsibility for your life? YES!

#5 - Can you tell yourself what your goals are? Yes. This is the link to a previous post I wrote several weeks ago detailing my plan and goals.

#6 - Can you name three things that help you relax? Listening to music, walking at the park, reading a good book.

#7 - Do you trust the process? Yes, because I have done it before.

#8 - Do you trust yourself? I'm not really sure on this one yet.

#9 - Can you suspend disbelief and trust in a Higher Power, God, yourself, or the Universe to help you through this period of change? I do believe in a loving Heavenly Father who continues to help me every day of my life.

#10 - Do you want to treat your body with respect, learn to cherish it, and make it the vessel it was always meant to be? This is my dream. I want to be all that I can be!

September's Report of One Good Thing

My goal is to do one good thing each day towards becoming a healthier, happier me.

*9-1-09 Can't believe it is already September. Where did the summer go? After a stressful day at work and coming home to do the bills, I relaxed tonight by vegging out in front of the TV. Sometimes doing not much of anything is a good thing.
*9-2-09 Days like today are why I love my job. As I was walking into school after morning duty, I noticed a young kid with a backpack heading away from the building. I asked where he was going. He said his teacher told him to line up out front. I told him that's right, but when there are no kids left outside he needs to just go in the building and walk to his class. He told me again how he was told to line up out front. I took him inside and watched him walk down to his classroom. I had to laugh. After all, he was following the teacher's rules. BUT, if I hadn't stopped him, he probably would have started wandering around the neighborhood. So, that was kind of like my little good deed of the day.
*9-3-09 Not only does writing help me stay focused on what I need to be doing to achieve my weight loss goals, but reading about others' success is a big motivator, too. I got off work early today because I have to go back later this evening for Back to School Night. So, I have taken this extra time I have at home to get caught up on my blog reading.
*9-4-09 Cuddled with hubby on the couch this evening while watching Barbra Streisand's TV show from 1965, Color Me Barbra. I love good music and had forgotten how wonderful Barbra really is. Very relaxing!
*9-5-09 Have spent the entire morning cleaning the living room, dining room, kitchen, and the dog's kennel. It feels so good having a clean home. Started burning some orange spice in my Scentsy. Now my home smells GREAT, too!
*9-6-09 Sunday afternoons seem to be perfect for napping, so that's what I did today. Actually, felt really good. Also, in church today I learned that sometimes we have to allow others to serve us. That is something that is hard for many to do. So, after my nap I allowed my husband to serve me by giving me one of his famous back rubs. LOL It was heavenly!
*9-7-09 Took advantage of this extra day off by walking in my favorite park with my pup. It had been weeks since we went on a walk, and pup went crazy when she saw me put on my walking shoes. She pretty much pulled me around the trail because she was so excited! The morning was cloudy and windy with cool temperatures which was perfect for walking.
*9-8-09 I called my youngest daughter this evening. Had a good chat. Love talking with my kids when I get the chance. With all three of them in college, now, they are often times quite hard to get a hold of.
*9-9-09 I went to the dentist today after 4 1/2 years! Luckily, I have always had pretty healthy teeth. He found only one small cavity which I will have filled in October.
*9-10-09 Don't always take the time to iron my clothes. Usually they don't need it, but this morning my shirt was pretty wrinkly. I ironed it so I wouldn't look too bad at work. Always feels good to wear pressed clothes. Then this evening my pup decided to chew the plug off of the iron's cord! Couldn't believe it! I spent $50 on that iron just a few months ago. Guess I will have to wear a wrinkled dress to work tomorrow.
*9-11-09 It's been eight years since that horrible day when so many innocent people lost their lives. I have spent part of today remembering some of the good that came out of that tragedy. For awhile differences were overlooked and we came together as Americans. For me personally, that day inspired me to take the steps I needed to to get out of a really, really bad marriage. It was the beginning of my journey to take better care of myself.
*9-12-09 This morning I went and had a mammogram. It had been about 2 1/2 years since my last one. Not the funnest thing to do, but it an important screening to have as a woman. The tech said she didn't see anything of concern, but the radiologist will look things over on Monday. Hopefully, the letter I receive in the mail in a couple of weeks will say all is well.
*9-13-09 Was feeling pretty wiped out yesterday and was afraid I was trying to get sick, so I am spending today at home doing nothing. I've already taken a morning nap and spent some time reading. The rest of the day should be more napping, phone calls to loved ones, maybe some cross-stitching, and some TV watching this evening.
*9-14-09 For the better part of today I didn't feel very well. I did eat on program through my afternoon snack.
*9-15-09 Today was a big day! It was the season premiere of season 8 of The Biggest Loser. This is my favorite show! I watched it with tears in my eyes as I can personally relate to so many of the contestants' stories. I wish they all could win, and they do if they lose weight and take care of themselves.

Spent the second half of the month dealing with my sinus and ear infections. I am feeling much better, but am still somewhat congested and have a cough. At least my energy has returned. Now, I just need my motivation back.

Going the Wrong Direction

For the past couple of weeks I have not been feeling well. It all started two weekends ago when I was just physically drained. I had a very busy Saturday and by Sunday I couldn't do a thing. I just laid around the house. The following Thursday night as I my head hit the pillow, I could feel a headache above my left eye begin. Within a few minutes I was congested. I knew that meant a sinus infection had just begun. I went to work that Friday, even though I felt miserable. Then I spent that entire weekend at home getting sicker and sicker. I stayed home from work Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. On Monday afternoon, I finally had had enough and went to the doctor. He tested me for the flu. Thank goodness I didn't have that! I did have an ear and sinus infection. He put me on an antibiotic and also told me to take Mucinex D. I went back to work on Thursday and Friday feeling a bit better, but still suffering with plugged up ears, congestion, and a cough. Today I woke up feeling worse than I did yesterday. I have completed taking all of the medicine, and I think I should be feeling better than I am. I may need to head back to the doctor.

Anyway, with all of this going on I haven't felt I had the strength to cook proper meals or to go shopping for healthy foods. My new healthy lifestyle plan as gone right out the window before I even had a real chance to give it a try. If I had been well into my new plan, this illness wouldn't have phased me. I would have kept up with my healthy meals, but since I wasn't strong and in control of the plan yet, I have made very poor eating choices.

Another problem I have faced is that when I feel sick, I tend to eat more. Most people do the opposite, but not me. Actually, the only time during the day when I feel like I can breath is when I am in the process of eating. I know that is crazy, but that is the honest truth.

So, last week I didn't even weigh myself. I didn't want to have a gain make me feel even worse than I already was feeling. This morning, I did weigh myself. I just had to know how much damage I have done in the past two weeks. Well, I have gained 5 pounds! That's actually less than I thought, but still not good. I am now less than two pounds away from going over 300 again. I DO NOT WANT TO REACH 300 POUNDS AGAIN!

My goal for this week is to find the strength, while I am still battling being sick, to at least watch what I am eating and make healthier choices than I have been.

My New Plan

I've spent the last week searching for a healthy eating plan that will be just right for me. I've spent hours reading weight loss success stories on other blogs, perusing diet info on various other sites, skimming through diet books in the library, and looking through numerous recipes. All of these things, along with my history with Weight Watchers, has brought me to this conclusion -- I'm going to have to come up with a plan that works for me by taking the best of all of the other plans that are out there.

I told hubby today that even though the plans can be vastly different, there does seem to be some commonalities among them. I'm going to start with those things that most nutritionists, doctors, dieters, etc. seem to agree with. I'm going to incorporate those ideas into my new lifestyle and add other things that I may need specifically for me. Things that will meet my individual health needs of being diabetic, having high blood pressure, and being prone to kidney stones.

I know this is going to take me quite awhile to develop. I also told hubby that it will be a full-time job to make a plan and put it into action. Since, I already have a 'real' full-time job, this new lifestyle plan will have to be worked on in my spare time. I've decided, though, that I can't afford to wait till it is all finished and in place to use it. I need to start with the parts that I know will be in the plan now, then incorporate other components as I can. I may even need to change and tweak things that I start out with as I become more knowledgeable, and as I see what works for me.

For now, here is what I know :

*I need to drink at least 8 - 8 oz. glasses of water a day.
*I need to limit my carbs to 40-45 grams per meal and 15-30 carbs per snack.
*I need to eat a small meal or snack every 2-3 hours.
*I need to take a multivitamin daily.
*I need to eat at least 5 servings of fruits and vegetables daily.
*I need to have 2 servings of dairy daily.
*I need to limit animal protein to low-fat varieties and slowly decrease my daily amount consumed with the goal of eliminating meat all together.
*I need to use whole grain products and stay away from processed white flour items.
*I need to replace sugar with Splenda.
*I need to incorporate 2 tsp. of a healthy oil (olive, canola) into my meals daily.
*I need to be in bed by 11:00 each night.
*I need to keep a record of what I eat, whether I post it here or keep it private.
*I need to write about this whole process and the feelings I have along this journey. New challenge beginning this week is The Biggest Loser OFB Style.
*I need to participate in challenges to keep me motivated and to make this journey fun.
*I need to work up to walking for at least 30 minutes a day.
*I need to weigh-in on Saturday mornings. I tried doing it on Wednesdays for the Shrink for Good challenge I am participating in, but that day does not work with my mental motivation to stay on program throughout the week and weekend.

Wow! That really looks like a lot of stuff to work on already. But, I also know that I don't know everything yet, so some of those items will be developed further over time. For now, this is a good starting point. I will think of this list as my goals. I will not put a time limit on them as there will be no ending point to them. After all, this is about changing my lifestyle for ever, not just till I reach a certain weight.

As for a weight goal, I have in my head that I would like to weigh 150 pounds. The lightest I have ever been as an adult was 4 1/2 years ago when I weighed 158 pounds for all of a week. So, I don't know if 150 pounds is a realistic weight for me to maintain, but I think it might be. And, again, I'm not going to attach a date to when this goal will be reached. It will take as long as it takes, and then I will have to spend the rest of my life maintaining it.

I want to send a big thank you out to all of you who have been so supportive of me during this past week of unhealthy eating. Your comments are very much appreciated.

Also, a thank you goes out to Operation Fat Blaster for their challenges. This last week's challenge to make a plan and set some goals came at a time when I needed it the most.

Shrink For Good Week 2

Just a quick update on the Shrink for Good challenge over at The Sisterhood of the Shrinking Jean's site. This past week was not a good one for me. I've been struggling big time since Friday evening. Consequently, my weigh-in this morning showed a gain of 4.2 pounds. That's right - over 4 pounds! Pretty disgusting, I know.

Anyway, I'm not going to take any food out of my basket because of the gain. After all, the food is going for a good cause. I will hopefully get back on track soon.

On Carb Overload!

At this very moment I am feeling quite ill. It is almost too hard to put into words. I feel like the sugar in my body is just racing around inside me and pulsing through my veins. I never used to feel this way when I ate too much, but the last couple of times I have gone overboard I have had this same exact feeling. It lasts for hours and about drives me insane. I think my body is trying to tell me that enough is enough with all of these unhealthy food choices. I am diabetic, and I need to start taking care of myself.