Round and Round We Go

Do you ever find yourself going along with a pretty good day, then 'BAM' life just hits you in the face? That's what I feel like happened today. After having a pretty out-of-control eating weekend, I started out this morning with a positive attitude and determination to get back on track. It lasted about seven hours, then 'BAM'. Out of nowhere I got this sinking depressed feeling, and I knew without a doubt I was going to spend the rest of the day eating.

I spent the better part of the afternoon and early evening hours thinking and soul searching. I needed to find the reason I did this to myself yet again. What I came up with was one word - loneliness. Really loneliness due to the distance I am from my family. This has been a problem my whole life.

I grew up moving every two to three years as my dad was in the Air Force. I thought it was a great childhood as I got to literally travel the world. But, the one thing we were lacking was time spent with our extended family. We would see them about every three years for about a week or two. Not really enough time to really get close to anyone.

Then, when I graduated from high school I traveled from Germany, where my dad was stationed at the time, to Utah to go to college. I loved it in Utah and stayed there for most of my adult life. That is where I met my first husband and raised my three children. But, again, the thing I didn't have in Utah was extended family. My parents ended up retiring in Texas. My sister followed them there a few years later. My brother did end up in Utah, but I never got the chance to see him and his family too very often.

Now I am in Idaho with my second husband and we are away from all family. He was born and raised in Texas and we lived there for about 18 months after we were first married, but I didn't like being so far away from my children. So, when the opportunity for a job came up in Idaho we jumped. Idaho is right next to Utah after all.

My dream has always been to be close enough to family and relatives to be able to do things with them, especially on holidays. Today is Labor Day. Not a big deal really when it comes to holidays, but I still got that feeling of loneliness as I realized that here was another holiday where I was doing nothing special and had no one to really share it with. Hubby even spent the whole day at work leaving me home alone with my pup.

I guess I have to come to terms with the fact that my dream for holidays is never going to come to pass. Sure there will be the occasional Christmas or Thanksgiving when we will be around family, but it will never be a constant in my life.

We travel down to Utah frequently, but no one hardly ever comes up here to visit us. In the two and a half years we have lived here, my son has been to my home once, my daughters twice. My dad has visited twice, my mom once. Hubby's mom and sister have been here once, too. That's it.

It makes me very sad, and when I am sad I turn to food. And, when I turn to food I get upset with myself. It is just like the David Archuleta song Let Me Go.

Can't you see these highs and lows
Take us down and slowly take their toll
Misguided I don't know
Where we're headed tell me now
Cause, round, round and round we go!
And when it stops you say you don't know.
But each time I try to stop this ride
You say it's not time.

Sunday's Blast from the Past - 4th Edition

This post was originally written on May 17, 2009. It was my 47th week on Weight Watcher's and explains some of the struggles I was having. Unfortunately, those struggles continued throughout the summer. I thought this was a good post for me to revisit as this Labor Day weekend has found me throwing my program right out the window again, and I will find myself tomorrow morning looking at another Monday trying to get refocused. The original title was "Weekly Weigh-In Week 47".

It has been an awfully long time since I have written. I have now completed my 47th week on Weight Watchers. I am down 87 pounds!!! I should be thrilled, but I have been struggling since the last week of March. My weight has been up and down since then. I don't know why I am doing this to my body. I was down 97 pounds and staring a 100 pound loss in the face, when my resolve began to faulter. It is like I sabotaged myself. I have done this before. Over four years ago when I was with-in eight pounds of reaching my Weight Watcher goal, I started overeating and yo-yoing up and down. I never did reach my goal then, and here I am having to lose all of that weight plus more again.

I was at my Weight Watcher meeting yesterday feeling pretty disgusted with myself, but ready to get back on program. I had made a menu and a grocery list and went to do my shopping after the meeting ended. By the time I had gotten through Wal-mart I had put a package of a dozen cupcakes from the bakery into my cart. I was barely home and in my front door before I had gobbled down a cupcake. So much for being back on program. I ate horribly for the rest of the day.

This morning I was bound and determined to get back on program. I ate a healthy breakfast and headed off to church. When I got home just after the noon hour, I was starved. Instead of making and eating a healthy lunch, I devoured two more of those cupcakes. Then I ate poorly the rest of the day.

Now it is nearly 10:30 in the evening and I am waiting for some No-Bake Chocolate/Peanut-butter Oat Cookies to cool, so I can eat a couple before going to bed. My husband had talked about these cookies with his mom on the phone earlier today. His mom was telling him how his neice had made a volcano for a school project and it had turned out looking more like these cookies than a volcano. I made the mistake of mentioning to him that I had a recipe for those cookies. He got a gleam in his eye and his mouth began to salivate. He asked if I could make those cookies tonight. So, being the dutiful wife, I made the cookies.

Now I am wondering how am I ever going to get back on the program tomorrow, Monday. BUT, I just have to find a way.

No-Bake Chocolate/Peanut-butter Oat Cookies

1 cup sugar

1/4 cup unsweetened cocoa

1/4 cup milk

1/4 cup butter or margarine

1/4 cup peanut-butter

1 3/4 cups Old Fashioned oats

In a medium saucepan mix sugar and cocoa. Add milk and butter. Put over medium heat and bring to a boil stirring frequently. Boil for 1 minute. Remove from heat. Stir in peanutbutter and oats. Drop by rounded spoonfuls onto a cookie sheet lined with parchment paper or foil. Let stand until firm and cool. I actually like to put mine in the fridge. Store in an airtight container.

Serving Size 1 cookie; too many WW points to even think about!

Shrink For Good Week 1

This past weekend I joined the Shrink for Good challenge over at The Sisterhood of the Shrinking Jean's site. The idea is to donate a pound of food for every pound you lose between now and October 17th, to your local food bank. I think this is such a fun and worthwhile activity to do to support my community.

Last year when I was still attending Weight Watcher's they had a similar campaign that I participated in. At that time I decided to donate enough food to equal the amount of total weight I had lost thus far instead of just the weight I had lost during the campaign's six week run. It felt GREAT donating almost fifty pounds of food! I went to Sam's Club and bought cases of canned goods and then carried them into my Weight Watcher's meeting. People just looked at me as I kept going back out to my car to get more food. I loved that day!

Anyway, Shrink for Good wants us all to weigh in on Wednesdays, which is today. So, this morning before work I hopped on the scale. I didn't really know what to expect since I was really in middle of my week, and I had just weighed on Saturday. I was pleasantly surprised to see a 1.6 pound loss! That equals 25.6 ounces of food.

I went into my food pantry and picked out a can of refried beans and a box of corn muffin mix to put in my basket for the food bank. The can of beans was 16 ounces and the corn mix is 8.5 ounces for a total of 24.5 ounces of food. I will make up the 1.1 ounce difference next week.

I can't wait to see this basket fill up with food. Not only will it be a reminder of the small contribution I am making to those less fortunate than me, but it will also represent all of the weight that is coming off of my body.

August's Report of One Good Thing

My goal is to do one good thing each day towards becoming a healthier, happier me.

*8-12-09 I went to lunch with some co-workers. I actually only ate half my sandwich and fries! I brought the sandwich home and had it with a salad for dinner.
*8-13-09 Stopped by the local library today to pick-up what I hope to be an inspirational book, Confessions of a Carb Queen.
*8-14-09 Spent quite a bit of time today reading Confessions of a Carb Queen. I'm already half way through it!
*8-15-09 Connected with a friend via Facebook who wants to be my internet weight loss buddy!
*8-16-09 Joined Operation Fat Blaster, a community of people working on their weight loss and exercise goals.
*8-17-09 Had a delicious bowl of steel cut oats for breakfast. I've only been eating them for a couple of weeks now, but I really love them. They have such a great texture.
*8-18-09 I made a menu, then a grocery list before I headed out to Wal-mart this morning. I stuck to the list and didn't buy any tempting extras!
8-19-09 Tried out a new Weight Watcher's recipe for chicken stir-fry this evening for dinner. It was easy to make and oh so delicious! It's a keeper!
*8-20-09 Made another new Weight Watcher's recipe. Tonight it was Shrimp & Black Bean Soft Tacos. I made a few changes to the recipe, but it was another success! YUM!
*8-21-09 Went to the eye doctor today. First time in almost 3 years. Should do it yearly since I am diabetic. Good news! My eyes are doing fine. Need to start wearing reading glasses due to a crazy little thing called age.
*8-22-09 Spent the day with my hubby and my oldest daughter. Don't get to see my daughter that often as she is a senior in college. Got to see her new apartment and take her out to an early birthday lunch. She will be 22 next Thursday.
*8-23-09 Had a wonderfully long Sunday nap. I really needed it too. Felt GREAT when I woke up. Best nap I've had in forever.
*8-24-09 Had quite a busy productive day around the house and running errands. It feels good to be busy once in awhile.
*8-25-09 Weighed my banana and cereal before having breakfast this morning.
*8-26-09 Today was my first day back to work after my long summer vacation. First think I was tempted with was a huge chocolate cake at lunch. I passed on it!
*8-27-09 Went to lunch with some co-worker friends this afternoon. We went to one of my favorite restaurants, Cafe Rio. I had their huge salad with grilled chicken. I had them omit the rice & I didn't eat the cheesy tortilla shell the salad came in. Also, had the dressing on the side & used less than half of it.
*8-28-09 I made a delicious homemade whole wheat pizza tonight for dinner. By the time it was ready to be served it was around 8:00, and I was starving! I wanted to eat half of it like I normally would, but I figured out the carbs and only ate two slices. I ended up being perfectly satisfied and full.
*8-29-09 It was hard walking up and down the grocery store aisles today. All the bad foods kept catching my eye, and I was starting to get hungry. BUT, I didn't succumb to the temptation. I came home and ate a delicious, fresh peach. YUM!
*8-30-09 Hubby and I attended our church services today. There were some really good heartfelt messages presented. It is so important to not only feed my physical body with good healthy food, but I also need to feed my soul with positive spiritual experiences.
*8-31-09 I had to pass by brownies, chocolate chip cookies, German chocolate cake, and candy bars at work today, but I did it! Oh, the joys of working at a school that loves to have goodies around almost constantly.

Sunday's Blast from the Past - 3rd Edition

I chose to share this post that was written back in June 2006, because it tells about some of my history with weight loss, both the ups and downs. It also gives some perspective to where I am finding myself again today. The original title was, "So Why Weight Watchers?"

So why did I choose to go on the Weight Watcher's program? Well, it is because Weight Watcher's is ingrained in my head. I have joined Weight Watchers so many times I have lost count.

So, you may wonder why I would go back to a program which doesn't seem to work for me? The truth is the program does work for me. It works very well for me and is quite simple for me to follow. My problems in the past did not have to do with the program. My problems had arisen when I would go off of the program. It is a fact in my life, when I go off of a healthy, nutritious eating plan I gain weight. I usually gain back all of the weight I lost. Therefore, the issue for me to be successful is not so much in the losing of the weight, but in keeping the weight off once I have lost it.

In August of 2003, after going through a horrible divorce, I woke up one Saturday morning, got dressed, and drove a mile down the road to a Weight Watcher's meeting. I hadn't thought a lot about joining. I just went and did it. I pretty much figured it would be like all of the other times I had joined and I would last a week, maybe two, or possibly even a month or more. I had no idea at the time this would be the beginning of my success story.

I followed the Weight Watcher's Points Program to the letter of the law. I didn't allow myself to cheat, not even once. When the holidays started to roll around in October, November, and December, I stayed on program by eating healthy alternatives to the normally high fat, high calorie holiday treats. I didn't feel deprived at all. I was quite proud of being able to actually lose weight during that time of year when most people are putting on a few pounds. By January of 2004, I had lost fifty pounds!

One important thing I was doing differently this time which I hadn't done in past attempts to lose weight was the exercising component of the program. This time, I was a member of the woman's gym, Curves. I was working out faithfully 3 times a week, and I was learning to love exercise for the first time in my life.

My health was not very good when I started Weight Watcher's and Curves in August of 2003. I was taking medication for high blood pressure and diabetes. I really felt horrible all of the time, and I could feel my body slowly shutting down. It was hard for me to walk up a flight of stairs. My back was constantly hurting. I didn't sleep well. All of these ailments became a distant memory by the spring of 2004. I no longer took any medication. I could almost jog up a flight of stairs. My back no longer hurt, and I was sleeping more soundly. I basically was feeling GREAT!

As time went on, I continued on my program. By June of 2004, I had lost 100 pounds! By August, my anniversary for joining Weight Watcher's, I was down 120 pounds! I had been in two 5K's, and had started hiking in the mountains several times a week. I was the happiest I had been in my entire life. I was even becoming somewhat of a celebrity around town. People from Weight Watcher's, Curves, my church, or the school where I taught were constantly complimenting me on my success. Surprisingly, people I had never met would even come up to me and ask if I was the person they saw walking/jogging down the street. They would always have something nice to say to me. I also had a lot of people asking me for advice on how to lose weight. They wanted to know what my secret was. Most people assumed I had surgery and were somewhat disbelieving when I told them I hadn't.

In January 2005, I was down 150 pounds! A friend of mine from work, asked if I would speak about my weight loss to a group of women at her church. I hate speaking in front of adults, but I said I would. I got a bit nervous, but I had a lot of fun telling the ladies about my weight loss story. I really wanted to share my success by helping others to have a healthy lifestyle. I even contemplated changing careers and becoming a dietitian. My dream was to one day be a Weight Watcher's leader.

Then, in February of 2005, I hit my first stumbling block. I was only 8 pounds away from goal, and I had my first slip. I was away for a couple of days at a convention for work when I decided to eat a few things I shouldn't have. I thought I would be fine and when I got home I would get right back on program. Unfortunately, that was not the case. The couple of days of eating badly turned into a week off of program and a twelve pound gain! I was horrified! How could I have stumbled so close to achieving my goal weight. My Weight Watcher's leader told me she wasn't surprised. She has seen it happen before. For some reason, being that close to goal was a scary thing for me. In my whole life I had never weighed a normal weight. I had always been overweight. Now that I was normal, I was sabotaging myself subconsciously.

For the next six months, I struggled with eating correctly. I would be back on program for a few weeks, and then I would have a bad week off of program. I would lose a few pounds and then I would gain a few pounds. It was very frustrating for me.

I no longer went to Curves because I had joined Gold's Gym in December of 2004, at the urging of my doctor. He told me I had come to a point where Curves was not benefiting me physically. I needed a more intense workout. I loved going to Gold's. I even had a personal trainer I was working with a couple of days a month. Once I began struggling with my eating, my exercising also became a problem. Before long, I wasn't exercising like I should, and my hiking had come to an end.

It was at this time I met my future husband. I was planning a summer wedding, trying to sell my house, packing my things for the big move, closing out the school year, and searching for a job in a new city all at once. Saying it was a bit overwhelming is an understatement. Looking back a year later, I wonder how I survived. When I am that busy it is very hard to take the time to prepare healthy meals and go to the gym.

I did work really hard on my diet in July because I had a wedding dress to fit into. By the middle of July, I was driving with my fiance to my new home thousands of miles away. We were married a week later. At the wedding reception, I let down my food guard again and ate some wedding cake. I continued eating that whole weekend and into the next week. On our one week anniversary, I could no longer fit into my wedding dress. That was embarrassing! For some reason, I was rapidly gaining weight. I didn't just gain a pound or two. It was more like 15-20. I was worried, but figured I would get right back on program and lose the weight.

Well, all of the stresses in my life involved with a new marriage, living far away from my three children, finding a new job, moving to a new state, going to a new church, finding new doctors, etc. were more than I could deal with. I turned to my old friends - M&M's, cookies, cake, ice cream, French bread, pancakes, butter, fried chicken, steak, etc. to help me through the transition from my old life to my new life. Unfortunately for me, in the process my new body was replaced with my old body.

Over the past eleven months, I have tried to stop eating. I joined Weight Watcher's twice, but just couldn't commit to doing the program again. I tried The South Beach Diet for a day or two. I watched The Biggest Loser looking for inspiration. I bought books and magazines to read about the latest dieting sensations. But, nothing I did put an end to my eating binge until now.

I joined Weight Watcher's Online the end of April, but I didn't commit to the program until last week. It is a daunting task ahead of me to lose over 150 pounds again. I know I can do it because I did it once before. It may not come off as fast as last time, but it will eventually come off. And, this time I am going to make it all the way down to my goal weight!

Big, Bad, Jealous Monster

I have to be honest about my feelings today, even though it will make me look like the big, bad, green jealous monster.

Today was my weigh-in day. I actually had been looking forward to it this week as I just knew I was going to have a good loss. There were days when I thought I could feel the weight flying off my body, and then there were all the middle of the night trips to the bathroom. Surely, the pounds were evaporating into thin air.

Bright and early this morning, I stepped onto the scale. What did I see? No, that couldn't be correct. Just a one pound loss. Well, a loss is a loss I told myself. Look at the big picture. You are finally going in the right direction again.

I couldn't really hear any of the positive self-talk I was trying to give myself because before I had weighed, my hubby had come upstairs to tell me how happy he was to have lost over three pounds this week without even really trying. So, instead of being happy with a one pound loss, I was jealous.

How come men can lose weight so easily? It seems as if all my hubby has to do is think about it, and he loses weight. He really isn't trying other than he eats the meals I place before him at dinner time. This week alone, he enjoyed a bag of Hershey's nuggets, lunch at Burger King, and miscellaneous other bad food choices. He loves to eat and he doesn't want to stop. It just isn't fair!

I could quickly tell that my motivation was heading down a slippery slope. I had to do something or I would be spending the rest of the weekend drowning my feelings in cookie dough and cake. I decided to go ahead and eat my planned healthy breakfast and continue on with the other activities I had going on. Then, an interesting thing happened. Suddenly, I had to use the bathroom and a thought came to me, "Just for fun weigh yourself again." So, I went back down to the basement and weighed for a second time. Oh, my gosh! This time the scale showed a two pound loss! I know it is silly, but that extra pound loss made all the difference in the world to me. Two pounds a week is what I usually average, so I was now happy. I went on with my day as planned and stayed on program.

As for my hubby. He doesn't know about any of this. He never did ask me today how my weigh-in went. My guess is he will find out when he reads this post tomorrow.

One Lovely Blog Award

Imagine my shock and surprise when eight days ago, August 20th, I was reading one of my favorite blogs, Journey To The Healthier Side of Life, and I noticed my name being mentioned as a One Lovely Blog Award recipient. I couldn't believe my eyes! I'm pretty new at this blogging thing and certainly didn't expect anyone to have taken notice of my site. So, I want to thank you Pam for putting a smile on my face.

Now it is my turn to pass on the One Lovely Blog Award to other inspirational bloggers. I have had over a week to think about it, and it is very hard to choose. I'm following quite a few people now who are all unique and special in their own way. Some make me laugh, some make me cry, some I totally relate too, while others give me insight on things I have never considered, but all have motivated me to take better care of myself. They are all deserving of this award, and tonight I am bestowing it on seven of them.

The One Lovely Blog Awards go to: (Drum roll please!)

*Beckie-Lynn
*Marie Lose 2 Win ... No More Excuses!
*Ida Losing Myself
*Betsy Gluten Free Betsy
*Jessica Pudget: Losing Weight On a Budget
*Kristina The Incredible Shrinking Woman!
*Amy The Final 100