Do you ever find yourself going along with a pretty good day, then 'BAM' life just hits you in the face? That's what I feel like happened today. After having a pretty out-of-control eating weekend, I started out this morning with a positive attitude and determination to get back on track. It lasted about seven hours, then 'BAM'. Out of nowhere I got this sinking depressed feeling, and I knew without a doubt I was going to spend the rest of the day eating.
I spent the better part of the afternoon and early evening hours thinking and soul searching. I needed to find the reason I did this to myself yet again. What I came up with was one word - loneliness. Really loneliness due to the distance I am from my family. This has been a problem my whole life.
I grew up moving every two to three years as my dad was in the Air Force. I thought it was a great childhood as I got to literally travel the world. But, the one thing we were lacking was time spent with our extended family. We would see them about every three years for about a week or two. Not really enough time to really get close to anyone.
Then, when I graduated from high school I traveled from Germany, where my dad was stationed at the time, to Utah to go to college. I loved it in Utah and stayed there for most of my adult life. That is where I met my first husband and raised my three children. But, again, the thing I didn't have in Utah was extended family. My parents ended up retiring in Texas. My sister followed them there a few years later. My brother did end up in Utah, but I never got the chance to see him and his family too very often.
Now I am in Idaho with my second husband and we are away from all family. He was born and raised in Texas and we lived there for about 18 months after we were first married, but I didn't like being so far away from my children. So, when the opportunity for a job came up in Idaho we jumped. Idaho is right next to Utah after all.
My dream has always been to be close enough to family and relatives to be able to do things with them, especially on holidays. Today is Labor Day. Not a big deal really when it comes to holidays, but I still got that feeling of loneliness as I realized that here was another holiday where I was doing nothing special and had no one to really share it with. Hubby even spent the whole day at work leaving me home alone with my pup.
I guess I have to come to terms with the fact that my dream for holidays is never going to come to pass. Sure there will be the occasional Christmas or Thanksgiving when we will be around family, but it will never be a constant in my life.
We travel down to Utah frequently, but no one hardly ever comes up here to visit us. In the two and a half years we have lived here, my son has been to my home once, my daughters twice. My dad has visited twice, my mom once. Hubby's mom and sister have been here once, too. That's it.
It makes me very sad, and when I am sad I turn to food. And, when I turn to food I get upset with myself. It is just like the David Archuleta song Let Me Go.
Can't you see these highs and lows
Take us down and slowly take their toll
Misguided I don't know
Where we're headed tell me now
Cause, round, round and round we go!
And when it stops you say you don't know.
But each time I try to stop this ride
You say it's not time.